desperado

1. Huge setbacks. I can be good ALL week and then one binge day will ruin it all. If I eat 1,500 calories for 6 days, that is (-500 cals x 6 = -2,500). Then, with a 4,000 calorie day (+ 2,500), I completely eliminate my good work done during the week.

2. Food is only temporarily relief. The problem is still there once I stop eating. In fact, bingeing only makes the problem LARGER because now I feel fat and guilty.

3. Damage to my body and my self-esteem.

4. Nothing worse than waking up “full” then next morning and spending the next 2 days feeling gross.

5. I can’t keep living in this binge cycle. It has to be broken–by me!

6. I want to fit into my tight jeans, my shorts, and look good once summer arrives. If I continue eating this way, that won’t happen.

7. On the days I binge, I don’t work out, which makes the bingeing all the more worse.

8. I HAVE willpower. I need to use it. I need to learn to recognize and eliminate my triggers. Otherwise, I feel horrible and as if I am controlled by food.

9. If I resist, I will be HAPPY. Not depressed, like I am now.

10. Enough is enough. Time to get rid of this disorder. Time to be normal.

I may not be able to do it alone, but with help from the nutritionist who I am seeing Thursday, I WILL get through this. Each day is a battle, and though I may have lost yesterday, I can still win today. And tomorrow. And next week, next month, and for the rest of my life.

Aaaah! Today was AWFUL. My mom called me to talk about my dad and their ongoing separation and after I hung up the phone I just lost it. I ate sooooooo much, more than any normal human being would ever be able to put in their stomach. I am so embarrassed to post this, but my daily diet today was:

Planned:
1 salad (100)
1 Boca Burger (130)
1 Kashi Bar (140)
Broccoli + Tofu (170)
Cinnamon Pita Chips (200)
1 salad (100)
1 Boca (100)
Potatoes (170)
1 Powerbar (240)
1 Kashi Bar (140)
3 bites dolly bar (100)

Total:1,620

Unplanned:

9 caramel kisses (220)
1 dolly bar (300)
Ruffles Chips (200)
1 Tangerine (80)
20 mini shortbread cookies (1,500)

Total: 2,300

Oh my goodness. Grand total is around 4,000. Which means that I am 2,500 over what I should be. So that means that tomorrow is a 500 day (-1000). and Wednesday is 500 day (-1000) and Thursday is a 1000 day (-500). That is going to be REALLY hard. Plus, I also didn’t exercise today OR do my abs. On the bright side, I have my appointment with my nutritionist on Thursday. Thank heavens!!!!!

Does anybody else have a problem with binge eating? I feel like I am oftentimes the only one…..

So I weighted myself on the scale at the gym today (with shoes and shirt on) and it said 155. Whaaaat? I was 153 on that scale a few days ago! So, either I REALLY packed on the pounds on my binge day or my dinner was still sitting heavy in my stomach. Oh well. I will weigh myself again tomorrow and see what happens.

Daily Diet:

Brunch: 1 waffle (250), 1 cup Raising Bran (200)

Snack: 2 Kashi Bars (300)

Dinner: 1 Boca Burger (130), 1 Salad with FF Thousand Island (100), Spicy Tofu with Broccoli (170)

Desert: 1 Powerbar (240)

Snack (bad!): 1 Hot Cocoa Mix (50), 1 bag Lays (150)

Exercise: 30 minutes elliptical (-200)

Estimated Daily Caloric Intake: 1,400

Room for Improvement: No after dinner snacks!

Well today my stomach was looking flatter than it had in quite a while! Granted, I still have a LOT of fat to work off, but it just takes time.

Daily Diet:

Brunch: 1 waffle (250), 1 cup Raisin Bran (200)

Snack: 1 Kashi Bar (140)

Dinner: 1 Greek Salad w/ Lemon Vinaigrette on the side (600), 1 Powerbar (240), 1 Packet Sugar-Free Hot Chocolate (50)

Exercise: Abs

Estimated Daily Caloric Intake: 1,500

Room for Improvement: Exercise! I was lazy today…but that is not a good excuse.

1. 1 Fro-yo serving a day
2. 1 chips serving a day
3. Aim for 1,500 calories. Never go above 2,000 or below 1,200.
4. Record Daily Caloric Intakes on Buddyslim every day, even binge days.
5. No snacking after dinner.

My diet for today:

Breakfast/Lunch: 1 boca Burger (130, Tofu (70), Veggies (100), 1 7oz Vanilla Fro-yo (300)

Snack: 1 Kashi bar (140), 5 Pringle’s chips (50), 1 peppermint merange (10)

Dinner: 1 small salad with fat-free Thousand Island (100), 1 Boca Burger (130), Black Beans (70), 1 Powerbar (240), 10 Pringle’s chips (100)

Exercise: Elliptical 30 minutes (-200), Walk 30 minutes on Treadmill at 4.0 mph and Level 18 (-100)

Estimated Daily Caloric Intake: 2,150 (I had snacks after the gym) : (

So, yesterday was a not-so-good day, and today was even worse. I am embarrassed to post my binge, but if I don’t I will never be able to face it. I have to face the truth first before I can recover.

My “binge”:

3 Ghiradelli Chocolate Squares (180)
15 Hershey’s Kisses (375)
1/2 Orange (35)
1 Cookie (200)
2 Rice Crispy’s (400)
2 Choco-Mints (200)
1 Babe Ruth Snack Size (180?)
1 Reese’s Fast Break Snack Size (180?)

Total: 1,750

In addition to the 500 snack cals left over from yesterday and the 1,500 I ate today. Soooo, Grand total = 3,750

Unfortunately, this is not the first time that a binge like this has happened to me. I have tried everything to compensate, such as exercising like crazy the next day or eating only 500 calories. Neither work, since both lead to bingeing the following day b/c I am so hungry. Tomorrow I will try something new: aiming for 1,200 calories. This will negate my binge by -800. Then I will have 1000 binge calories left to get rid of, so if I eat 1,200 on Saturday and Sunday as well I should be all right. Sunday is also my weigh-in day, so I have motivation.

Now, more than ever, I need to schedule that appointment with a nutritionist/therapist.

Important concerns:

1. I had a midnight snack, so I decided to add 250 calories to my diet from yesterday (1/7/08) and will start of tomorrow (even though it is 2:05 am) under the assumption that I have already eaten 500 calories. Yes, this means that I had a 750 cal snack!

1 Power bar (240), 1 Kashi TLC Trail Mix Bar (140), 9 meringues (110), 1 chocolate square (60), 3 Hershey’s Kisses (75), and lots of gum (30).

2. I just took an online eating disorders test and apparently I exhibit a combination of symptoms for both anorexia and binge eating disorder, which is unusual because one would think that the two diseases don’t relate. But yes, I DO have a terrible fear of gaining weight, and yes, I DO binge. It’s not quite that simple, but I don’t have the time to go into details now at 2am….

My Plan of Action:
1. Stop this late-night snacking.
2. Go to my schools counseling center and make an appointment with a nutritionist.
3. Don’t beat myself up for over-snacking today–tomorrow I can start anew
4. Sleep!

Well, today I consumed a lot of chips. But surprisingly stayed within caloric reason. What can I say? I’m a total sucker for Pita Chips, Pop Chips, and the Fat-Free Lays (all of which I consumed today). On the bright side, I discovered that the school store sells Cinnamon Pita Chips in single-serving bags, which is GREAT for me because I ADORE those chips and if I buy the big bags (which they sell in my dining hall) I end up eating the whole 850 calorie catastrophe in one sitting.

Lunch: 1 Boca Burger (130), Red Beans (70), Asian-Style veggies (100), 1 small salad with fat-free Thousand Island (100), Pita Chips (200)

Snack: BBQ Pop Chips (130), Lays Fat-free Chips (75), Gum

Dinner: 1 medium salad with fat-free Thousand Island, tuna, and kidney beans (150), 1 waffle (250)

I am so thankful that I am in college. Today, as I was walking to my class on Mass Violence, I felt as though I were in a dream….a fantasyland of sorts. “Pinch me!” I thought, “I can’t believe that I am really here, at college, on my own, taking the classes I want to, and having a great time.” I also had breakfast for the first time in ages, since today I woke up at 10am and figured that there was no way I could hold out until 12 without eating something (or worse, overeating during lunch).

Daily Diet:

Breakfast: 1 Kashi TLC Trail Mix Bar (140)

Lunch: 1 Boca Burger (130), Green Beans (70), a few Asian-Style Veggies (100), 1 small salad with fat-free Thousand Island (100)

Snack: 1 bag of Popchips “Original” (120), Gum, 1 Kashi TLC Trail Mix Bar (140)

Dinner: 1 Boca Burger (130), 1/2 Apple (60), 1 small salad with fat-free Thousand Island (100), 1 Vanilla Cake Cone Fro-yo (200), 1 “Elevate Me” Powerbar (240), 1 Kashi TLC Trail Mix Bar (140)

Exercise: Elliptical for 30 minutes (-200), weights, abs

Estimated Caloric Intake: 1,550

Room For Improvement: Branching out my foods! The dining hall food is not exactly appetizing, so I end up eating the same thing everyday: salads and Boca burgers and Kashi bars, oh my! : ) But I don’t really mind, since the stuff I eat is probably some of the healthiest foods offered in the dining hall. The only problem is that sooner or later I am going to run out of my Kashi bars and I haven’t yet found the time to go to Safeway to restock!

Today was another good day. I woke up at around 11am, which seemed earlier than it actually was due to the fact that I wasn’t able to fall asleep until 3am last night! I spent the day buying a few textbooks and trying to change my schedule so that I am able to take a class on religious tolerance. The schedule change worked, and even better is that I have no classes on Fridays! That means Friday is the new laundry day…oh dear.

I weighed myself at the gym (after the workout) and was 153 exactly. Of course, this is with my running shoes and shirt and shorts included, but I also have to keep in mind all the water-weight I lost while working out. So 153 it is (at least, it is what I am recording on this site as my current weight). The scale at the gym is the only scale I have access to, so my weight will never be 100% accurate. This doesn’t bother me, though, since it’s better to ultimately reach 135 on the gym scale and go home to discover that, minus the running shoes and clothes, I actually weigh less.

Daily Diet:

Breakfast/Lunch: 1 large salad with onions and fat-free Thousand Island (200), 1 Boca Burger (130), 1 “Elevate Me” Power Bar (240)

Snack: Gum (and lots of it! But at least it’s sugar-free), 1 Kashi TLC Trail Mix Bar (140)

Dinner: 1 small salad with fat-free Thousand Island (100), Chicken pieces (200), “Fire Roasted” Vegetables (200), 1 Vanilla Fro-yo cone (200)

Exercise: Running on Treadmil (-350 cals). Time = 30 mins, Distance = 3.6 miles, Hills Setting = Level 5, Speed = 7.0mph for first 25 mins, 7.4-7.7 mph for remaining 5 minutes,

Estimated Total Caloric Intake: 1,100

Room For Improvement: Add weights and abs training into my exercise routine every other day.

Room for Improvement: Instead of eating such a large lunch (600 cals) I should spread out my calories over the course of the day. Classes start tomorrow and I am really busy on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I will try to grab mini-meals between classes as opposed to one large lunch. It is also important for me not to go under 1,200 calories since if I consistently do so my body will go into starvation mode (meaning my metabolism drastically slows down and my body, which thinks it is starving, will hold on to any remaining fat for all its worth!)